And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.
Mark 12:30-31
hmmmm...that's a tough one. Dave and I have actually talked about this lately since we watch "18 kids and counting" and the not kissing until you get married was recently brought up on a few episodes. I personally don't think it is a sin to kiss or date-but I guess if you feel a personal conviction not to than you should go with that.
I guess as a parent I would want to obey God and not be extreme either way-does that make sense? I think you have to look at each child individually. It is such a pet peeve of mine when people think that because they feel a certain way others should follow suit. Or that each child has to be parented the same way. Again, as long as you obey God.
It's the same issue with homeschooling. I know that you don't look down on people for not doing it, nor do you think everyone should. For your family you feel it is what God wants you to do so you do.
Wow-this is a long post! Interesting topic, I will keep checking back to see what other people say.
I think the best way we can prepare our kids is to teach them to obey God. Free will, all that it is, will take people on different paths. But if we set a foundation about how God wants us to be/act/date, we can help our kids make good decisions. I pray for Bean's future wife...whoever/wherever she may be and that God will protect both of them as they are growing up.
Well, I have been thinking about this the past couple of days now...I have teenage girls and have not been exposed to any relationships yet. I am approaching it with caution and instuction with my kids. Temptation is real...and we all have different levels of self-control and maturity when dealing with a physical relationship. It is reality for an innocent kiss to elevate to something more and up the ladder you go!! Purity is such a wonderful gift to save and bring into a marriage. I am all for taking precautions and perhaps let the physical part of the relationship be saved just for marriage. How much MORE exciting the Honeymoon is when you save your whole self! I was bummed when I went to see the movie Bride wars...both the girls waiting for the big wedding day..and yet they both lived with their boyfriends and obviously were committing fornication (lets just call it what it is). What a let down in excitment for these girls...sure its fun to pick out the dress and all that goes with it..but what is really exciting ...is the awaited honeymoon!! Anyway...I hope and pray families will take purity very serious and with much caution.
I think it is important in dealing with this to ask a few questions. Can I do... fill in the blank... and glorify God? Why would I do... fill in the blank? Would I do this if Jesus were here with me? If they are believers, He is there. Jesus had some pretty extreme ideas when it came to avoiding sin (if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out.). It is important not to just react to the culture or to a Christian book that may sound extreme. There are so many divisions among Bible believing Christians over issues. God's glory needs to be the focus allowing the Holy Spirit to lead each family as He chooses. Whether they homeschool, court or date, wear pants or only dresses, etc. Purity before marriage reflects His heart. My heart for my children is that they glorify the Lord in all they do. I want to tie them to Christ and would pray that their lives would reflect a desire to glorify Him.
I think this is great. We don't usually discuss with anyone our standards for our children in this area unless they are closer friends or specifically ask. Almost since we have been saved (we already had 3 children) we have taught them that holding hands, kissing, touching, is all reserved for marriage. It is not a concept I had ever heard before but we were blessed enough to be in a church that preached against dating. We plan and have always planned on our children "courting". I agree totally with the person who wrote the blog on purity. Because of my past and seeing the difficulties it has caused me in my marriage and also because of the pain it caused me to not be able to give those "gifts" to my husband when I finally got married, we are very adamant about helping our children maintain their purity. We have taught our boys that every time you share with someone intimately (a touch, a part of your heart, a kiss) you are giving a piece of yourself away - and it is a piece of you that you can't get back - there is less and less of a gift to give your spouse. I don't see how any parent could think that keeping their child from modern dating or kissing before marriage could be a bad thing. I have known marriages who started this way - and they are very strong, very devoted marriages and I can't say the same about the ones who didn't start out that way. Certainly it is all about God's grace but we definitely do not want to take His grace for granted. And, as for this issue being a personal conviction, I'm not so sure it is. I mean it certainly doesn't say in the Bible "thou shalt not" but it does say that a man is not to look after a woman and lust after her - how can he kiss her and not be breaking this? And, according to Jesus, lusting after a woman that is not your wife is adultery/fornication in your heart. I think this is a very important issue that Christian parents have been too careless with and have mindlessly followed the world on for too long. I think it is time for us to call the shots.
Wow, what a lively discussion! I love it! I think as Christians we should talk about this kind of stuff more often! It is very encouraging to me to read your responses on this important subject!
I have been 'sitting on' my reply for a few days wanting to tweek it to make it sound literate, but after reading all of yours, I don't really need to add my two cents. You took the words out of my mouth...
Actually, it is his wife, Tracy. :o) I agree with what was written on the Generation Cedar blog. I was not raised to be a virtuous woman, nor did I witness anything remotely like it growing up. But by the grace of God I was given new life at 21 years of age, and I am thankful for the sanctifying work of the Spirit and the truth of God's word to purify my heart to the glory of God! I do believe that as we teach our children the gospel, and by God's grace they respond in saving faith, they will be responsive to our training, and God's teaching from His word, as they submit to the Holy Spirit within them. God will do the mighty work in them, and may we as parents be faithful to Him in praying for them and teaching them about purity, among many other Christian virtues. Hmm. Getting practical on touching or not touching while courting. Holding hands? Sounds innocent, but what is going on in the heart? Is that not what matters? Is it not from the wickedness in our hearts that we fall into sin? So Jack and Jill could be solid believers and individually put the Lord first in their lives and know the proper boundaries for themselves, and one another, in respect and honor. Should they be judged by those who know nothing about them? No. But accountability is appropriate, and necessary, from those who have a relationship with them. And they should be mature enough (if they are courting) to seek that out! Hugging? Kissing? Sounds like it could get passionate before passion is pure! I like what Cami wrote about this! I think the key is to teach our children from early on to not play with fire. And as far as dating is concerned...I think that is out of place for believers. There may have been a time when the term dating had a different meaning. But today, I think we all know what it implies.
Great article, definitely a subject I wish more parents would take seriously. My girls will be teenagers in such a few short years, (in fact I seriously cried the other day having the realization hit me that Bri will be in MIDDLE SCHOOL the year after next--gotta love pregnancy hormones). Right now I home school my kids, but I take that one year at a time. It scares me to think of them going back to school during the "hormonal" ages if that turns out to be what we decide to do... For me, I agree most with this woman that what scares me is having been there myself and knowing just how easy it is to not realize what you're doing to your future marriage. Aaron and I have been divorced and remarried, and I definitely attribute the divorce to causes related to our pre-marital relations. In my situation I know it would have made a difference to have been closer to my dad, to have had a more meaningful and comfortable relationship with him. I see now that it is one of the reasons I looked for attention from boys in the ways I did, I didn't know how to have a relationship that sought affection for the right reasons...It would have helped to have my mom more involved in my life as a teen as well. So from my own experiences I have decided how badly I want to be sure that my kids have a relationship with their dad and I that gives them a sense of belonging and being loved, to an extent that they will themselves choose to honor the things we teach them on this subject. My girls will hopefully not even be thinking about dating for another 6 years at LEAST, but it is really never too early to start teaching on this subject. When my girls do date, I really want to stress the importance of "group dating" rather than one guy out with one girl, it's just so much safer... Anyway, I guess I'll add my long response to the list of other long responses. :) A good subject to bring up. --Oh, and by the way, it's funny you say my oldest looks just like me, because in the picture you posted with this post, I was thinking the same about Mallory with you, she sure has those McCoul genes!
It is easy to base what we will, or will not do, with our children because of our past and the mistakes we have made. It’s more important that we base our decisions on what God’s word says. It is clear that pre-marital relations are NOT permitted before you are married. (1Thes. 4:3, Romans 13:13) That is God’s way and it is the BEST way…for many reasons. But, what we have to remember is that God is merciful! He forgives and restores!
The Duggar family was brought up. If anyone is unfamiliar with them…they are a Christian family who just had their 18th child. What I really admire about them is that they don’t “make” their kids choose not to kiss until their wedding day. The kids are guided by their parents. They are guided in learning and understanding God’s word. They are encouraged to live lives that are glorifying to the Lord-- and THEY chose not to kiss. They held hands and said “I love you” (like 50,000 times). They were chaperoned when they went out. I think that holding hands is okay.
Do I want my children to remain pure before marriage? Yes! I really want to follow the Duggar parents lead in guiding…not demanding. They are going to ultimately be responsible for their own actions. The problem behind dating is purity, or the lack thereof. Will they be able to control themselves from the thing they ought not to do? Will their hearts be protected? Baggage and broken hearts don’t have to be a norm for our kids. Courtship seems like it would generate purity because it includes the parents. We want to encourage our children to court, not date in the modern sense (which is several boy or girlfriends over a period of time). But rather, to start when they are mature and old enough to be looking for a mate. But, it has to start now. If I were to spring this concept on them when they are 16 - it’s possible they wouldn't understand it or respect it.
You don't have to date to "try out" different people. God knows who they are going to marry-it's been planned out since the beginning of time.
12 comments:
hmmmm...that's a tough one. Dave and I have actually talked about this lately since we watch "18 kids and counting" and the not kissing until you get married was recently brought up on a few episodes. I personally don't think it is a sin to kiss or date-but I guess if you feel a personal conviction not to than you should go with that.
I guess as a parent I would want to obey God and not be extreme either way-does that make sense? I think you have to look at each child individually. It is such a pet peeve of mine when people think that because they feel a certain way others should follow suit. Or that each child has to be parented the same way. Again, as long as you obey God.
It's the same issue with homeschooling. I know that you don't look down on people for not doing it, nor do you think everyone should. For your family you feel it is what God wants you to do so you do.
Wow-this is a long post! Interesting topic, I will keep checking back to see what other people say.
I think the best way we can prepare our kids is to teach them to obey God. Free will, all that it is, will take people on different paths. But if we set a foundation about how God wants us to be/act/date, we can help our kids make good decisions. I pray for Bean's future wife...whoever/wherever she may be and that God will protect both of them as they are growing up.
Well, I have been thinking about this the past couple of days now...I have teenage girls and have not been exposed to any relationships yet. I am approaching it with caution and instuction with my kids. Temptation is real...and we all have different levels of self-control and maturity when dealing with a physical relationship. It is reality for an innocent kiss to elevate to something more and up the ladder you go!! Purity is such a wonderful gift to save and bring into a marriage. I am all for taking precautions and perhaps let the physical part of the relationship be saved just for marriage. How much MORE exciting the Honeymoon is when you save your whole self! I was bummed when I went to see the movie Bride wars...both the girls waiting for the big wedding day..and yet they both lived with their boyfriends and obviously were committing fornication (lets just call it what it is). What a let down in excitment for these girls...sure its fun to pick out the dress and all that goes with it..but what is really exciting ...is the awaited honeymoon!! Anyway...I hope and pray families will take purity very serious and with much caution.
I think it is important in dealing with this to ask a few questions. Can I do... fill in the blank... and glorify God? Why would I do... fill in the blank? Would I do this if Jesus were here with me? If they are believers, He is there. Jesus had some pretty extreme ideas when it came to avoiding sin (if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out.). It is important not to just react to the culture or to a Christian book that may sound extreme. There are so many divisions among Bible believing Christians over issues. God's glory needs to be the focus allowing the Holy Spirit to lead each family as He chooses. Whether they homeschool, court or date, wear pants or only dresses, etc. Purity before marriage reflects His heart. My heart for my children is that they glorify the Lord in all they do. I want to tie them to Christ and would pray that their lives would reflect a desire to glorify Him.
I think this is great. We don't usually discuss with anyone our standards for our children in this area unless they are closer friends or specifically ask. Almost since we have been saved (we already had 3 children) we have taught them that holding hands, kissing, touching, is all reserved for marriage. It is not a concept I had ever heard before but we were blessed enough to be in a church that preached against dating. We plan and have always planned on our children "courting". I agree totally with the person who wrote the blog on purity. Because of my past and seeing the difficulties it has caused me in my marriage and also because of the pain it caused me to not be able to give those "gifts" to my husband when I finally got married, we are very adamant about helping our children maintain their purity. We have taught our boys that every time you share with someone intimately (a touch, a part of your heart, a kiss) you are giving a piece of yourself away - and it is a piece of you that you can't get back - there is less and less of a gift to give your spouse. I don't see how any parent could think that keeping their child from modern dating or kissing before marriage could be a bad thing. I have known marriages who started this way - and they are very strong, very devoted marriages and I can't say the same about the ones who didn't start out that way. Certainly it is all about God's grace but we definitely do not want to take His grace for granted. And, as for this issue being a personal conviction, I'm not so sure it is. I mean it certainly doesn't say in the Bible "thou shalt not" but it does say that a man is not to look after a woman and lust after her - how can he kiss her and not be breaking this? And, according to Jesus, lusting after a woman that is not your wife is adultery/fornication in your heart. I think this is a very important issue that Christian parents have been too careless with and have mindlessly followed the world on for too long. I think it is time for us to call the shots.
My motto is to have no regrets. We will teach our boys to view a girl as someone elses spouse and to treat her respectfully.
Wow, what a lively discussion! I love it! I think as Christians we should talk about this kind of stuff more often! It is very encouraging to me to read your responses on this important subject!
I have been 'sitting on' my reply for a few days wanting to tweek it to make it sound literate, but after reading all of yours, I don't really need to add my two cents. You took the words out of my mouth...
Actually, it is his wife, Tracy. :o) I agree with what was written on the Generation Cedar blog. I was not raised to be a virtuous woman, nor did I witness anything remotely like it growing up. But by the grace of God I was given new life at 21 years of age, and I am thankful for the sanctifying work of the Spirit and the truth of God's word to purify my heart to the glory of God! I do believe that as we teach our children the gospel, and by God's grace they respond in saving faith, they will be responsive to our training, and God's teaching from His word, as they submit to the Holy Spirit within them. God will do the mighty work in them, and may we as parents be faithful to Him in praying for them and teaching them about purity, among many other Christian virtues. Hmm. Getting practical on touching or not touching while courting. Holding hands? Sounds innocent, but what is going on in the heart? Is that not what matters? Is it not from the wickedness in our hearts that we fall into sin? So Jack and Jill could be solid believers and individually put the Lord first in their lives and know the proper boundaries for themselves, and one another, in respect and honor. Should they be judged by those who know nothing about them? No. But accountability is appropriate, and necessary, from those who have a relationship with them. And they should be mature enough (if they are courting) to seek that out! Hugging? Kissing? Sounds like it could get passionate before passion is pure! I like what Cami wrote about this! I think the key is to teach our children from early on to not play with fire. And as far as dating is concerned...I think that is out of place for believers. There may have been a time when the term dating had a different meaning. But today, I think we all know what it implies.
Great article, definitely a subject I wish more parents would take seriously.
My girls will be teenagers in such a few short years, (in fact I seriously cried the other day having the realization hit me that Bri will be in MIDDLE SCHOOL the year after next--gotta love pregnancy hormones).
Right now I home school my kids, but I take that one year at a time. It scares me to think of them going back to school during the "hormonal" ages if that turns out to be what we decide to do...
For me, I agree most with this woman that what scares me is having been there myself and knowing just how easy it is to not realize what you're doing to your future marriage. Aaron and I have been divorced and remarried, and I definitely attribute the divorce to causes related to our pre-marital relations.
In my situation I know it would have made a difference to have been closer to my dad, to have had a more meaningful and comfortable relationship with him. I see now that it is one of the reasons I looked for attention from boys in the ways I did, I didn't know how to have a relationship that sought affection for the right reasons...It would have helped to have my mom more involved in my life as a teen as well.
So from my own experiences I have decided how badly I want to be sure that my kids have a relationship with their dad and I that gives them a sense of belonging and being loved, to an extent that they will themselves choose to honor the things we teach them on this subject.
My girls will hopefully not even be thinking about dating for another 6 years at LEAST, but it is really never too early to start teaching on this subject.
When my girls do date, I really want to stress the importance of "group dating" rather than one guy out with one girl, it's just so much safer...
Anyway, I guess I'll add my long response to the list of other long responses. :) A good subject to bring up.
--Oh, and by the way, it's funny you say my oldest looks just like me, because in the picture you posted with this post, I was thinking the same about Mallory with you, she sure has those McCoul genes!
It is easy to base what we will, or will not do, with our children because of our past and the mistakes we have made. It’s more important that we base our decisions on what God’s word says. It is clear that pre-marital relations are NOT permitted before you are married. (1Thes. 4:3, Romans 13:13) That is God’s way and it is the BEST way…for many reasons. But, what we have to remember is that God is merciful! He forgives and restores!
The Duggar family was brought up. If anyone is unfamiliar with them…they are a Christian family who just had their 18th child. What I really admire about them is that they don’t “make” their kids choose not to kiss until their wedding day. The kids are guided by their parents. They are guided in learning and understanding God’s word. They are encouraged to live lives that are glorifying to the Lord-- and THEY chose not to kiss. They held hands and said “I love you” (like 50,000 times). They were chaperoned when they went out. I think that holding hands is okay.
Do I want my children to remain pure before marriage? Yes! I really want to follow the Duggar parents lead in guiding…not demanding. They are going to ultimately be responsible for their own actions. The problem behind dating is purity, or the lack thereof. Will they be able to control themselves from the thing they ought not to do? Will their hearts be protected? Baggage and broken hearts don’t have to be a norm for our kids. Courtship seems like it would generate purity because it includes the parents.
We want to encourage our children to court, not date in the modern sense (which is several boy or girlfriends over a period of time). But rather, to start when they are mature and old enough to be looking for a mate. But, it has to start now. If I were to spring this concept on them when they are 16 - it’s possible they wouldn't understand it or respect it.
You don't have to date to "try out" different people. God knows who they are going to marry-it's been planned out since the beginning of time.
Amen Sista!
(is that too short? lol)
Very well written Amy.
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